Today was full of blessings. But have you ever had one of those days where one unpleasant experience sours the view of the day? Well, I've had quite a few in my life, one being two Saturdays ago when I got lost on the way to the baptism and ended up in a scary part of town, and another being tonight when my host mom had very little patience with me and melanged her French and English in an effort to tell me to clean the shower room. Sure, maybe if I were more mature or in better in control of my feelings this wouldn't bother me or phase me too much. But, ooh, she gets me sometimes. Usually when she's telling me what to do. Okay, I am living in her home and am grateful for the breakfasts and clothes washings and I understand that homes must be maintained and rules are necessary. But I've been here five and a half weeks for goodness sakes--why not make a list and tell me them at the beginning rather than add another rule and (gently) scold me later after not doing something I didn't realize I was supposed to do?!? It makes me feel like a real-life version of the game "Curses." I tried to make tonight's cleaning into a game, but the bed feelings persisted and took over.
Let me present a couple of examples of "new" rules being added to the "game" of living here. I didn't know I was supposed to put the food away after breakfast when I was the last to eat. It makes complete sense, and I'd thought of doing so as a favor to the host mom, but I wasn't sure where things were supposed to go to be able to put them away. She didn't tell me until the day after the other student living here left 11 days ago! And then, tonight, I took a shower as usual and was just getting on my computer when she comes by with her innocent little, "Ca va?" As soon as I responded in a way to mean, "Yeah, things are fine," she tells me in mixed French and English (as though I couldn't understand and were the dumbest exchange student she'd ever had, or so I felt) I must clean my hair out of the shower and sink, I must use the sponge and scrubby and other cleaning items in the room to clean the shower, I must not get too much water on the walls. And here just a bit earlier, I'd been priding myself on how well I've kept things tidy here, not causing problems. Pride cometh before the fall...? Oh, if only she knew how much hair I do toss into that trash can in that room. But, okay, I did realize there were some missed hairs. And the sponge and scrubby and soap and cleaner in the room? I didn't know I was in charge of using them! For all I knew, the sponge and soap belonged to the other girl living here, and I didn't want to use her stuff, or they might be the host mom's for cleaning the shower room along with the scrubby and cleaner. I'd seen the scrubby in the sink before, and now I realize that that was probably a hint to clean, but I thought she'd left it there after weekend cleaning or something. Call me dumb or whatever, but how was I to know how much cleaning I myself was in charge of? At least I do stay organized and clean up after myself for the most part. I think she was particularly insistent tonight because a new girl arrived today, which I didn't know was going to happen. I knew someone would probably come for June, but I never knew when. Thank goodness I leave Friday morning. Agh, if only I'd know the rules from the beginning and that she'd give me positive feedback rather than only nag. And because I often am running late and eat just before leaving to take it with me if needed and she sometimes comes in to talk to me when I'm breakfasting, she thinks I'm always pressee, in a hurry. I bet she thinks I'm some dumb, shallow, spoiled American who doesn't know how to clean up after herself.
(Enter inner scream I'd let out to release some pressure here.) But why should I care so much about what she thinks of me, anyway?
Okay, now that I have that out, I need to move past it and tell you about blessings, like I implied I'd do at the beginning of the second paragraph. I'd say the biggest blessing was spending time with Erin tonight. After getting to school late, finding out it was theater day in another building nearby and finding out they'd taken the pause earlier than anticipated so I was late for being late, finishing and eating lunch with Erin and a couple others, and making it through my last phonetics workshop, Erin and I were finally able to head off on foot chez elle. We pooled our food resources together and bought a few other items for our dinner together. We were going to have a picnic at the Gardens of Luxembourg, but the weather threatened rain, so we adjusted our plans in favor of shelter. :D What was on the menu?
- Lays BBQ chips--so good and nice to have some familiar junk food! If only I could have a genuine home-done summer BBQ...
- Cheese, ham, and onion tortilla-pizzas
- Crackers and Gruyere and Boursin cheeses
- Chocolate-covered crepe cookies
- Almond ice cream with cherries (wine-flavored?? Yuck) and pistachio macarons (YUM!)
- Cran-Raspberry sirop-flavored water
Before I forget like I did yesterday, I do want to mention a seemingly Heavenly Father-made Paris Ward to-do list for me. You see, I've wanted to participate in church like I would at home, but I don't get as much out of it and even when I do follow the lessons well, I am too scared of looking dumb and not making sense to even attempt at explaining my thoughts with my limited French. But on Sunday, after bearing my testimony in French, I realized that I have contributed at least words and phrases in Relief Society and Sunday School. And my testimony bearing must've made sense, both in the French I used and the English a missionary translated it into, because more than one person thanked me and remarked how good my French is. And at FHE, I even helped give the lesson on May 30. Hmm, the only bigger thing I hadn't done was pray out loud. Somehow, I thought I was "safe" from having to do so, even though it seems quite common for leaders to call on members to pray FROM THE PULPIT. Yeah, that's what I thought. Until Agenor called on me to give the opening prayer at FHE yesterday! He also was quite instrumental in helping get me up to bear my testimony, because he asked me if I was going to, later telling me he felt like I was going to. Maybe he and Heavenly Father are in cahoots!
Now to participate similarly, this time in Spanish in Spain... :D
Well, now that you've made it through the sludge and verbosity of this pictureless post, let me end with a video. I see, once again, from having vented and also from having expressed other sentiments that I let others' opinions give sway to my feelings and actions. But I am a daughter of God. He has a plan for me, and it doesn't require being the best-behaved exchange student, the most eloquent French speaker, or the highest converting member missionary. No, I just need to be a good student, learner, friend, and individual I can be. I need to accept and be ME, imperfections and all. I know I'm not perfect, or else I wouldn't be here. But I am growing and am trying to improve. I just need to realign my motivations and stop being THE best at everything. Nope. Just be THE best ME, a daughter of God.
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