Dear John--er, Provo

Dear Provo,

I don't know if you saw this coming or if I'm about to completely blindside you, but it’s over. I'm done here and it’s time for me to move on. I'm not moving too far away; just enough to have some distance. It’s true that we've been seeing each other constantly for almost 6 years, but you never could really commit. I see that now. You called me your way and I obeyed. It was love at first sight when I first met you in Junior high, but then when my parents left me on your doorstep as a newly graduated college freshman, I was scared. It wasn't all warm fuzzies then, but next I knew you provided me with a network of friends and mentors. You truly became my world, bedazzling me with your vast array of interests, from sports to music to cooking to linguistics to the sciences. You helped me learn and grow by encouraging me to value lifelong learning, faith in God, and the simple pleasures in life, from education to nature. You're what so many young people dream of: intelligence, spirituality, and attractiveness all in one package. Plus, with all your talk of mission, marriage, and family, I knew you had your priorities well placed. And yet I should have known that, despite all your talk, I was always just a friend to you. I've been holding out hope, but God has helped me to move on and see you as you see me: as a close, dear friend. In fact, I guess I'm the sister you never had.

Buddy, the feeling's mutual.

You always said, “Come forth to learn; go forth to serve.” I've learned what I've needed to with you, to be sure. You have helped me grow in countless ways from a young, dependent teenager to an older independent woman. I'll never forget you. Don’t think this is easy for me; every time I see you, I wish it could stay like this forever because you are so wonderful and six years  of memories is hard to walk away from! But this move is for the best. I will look back on our time together in fondness and treasure it for decades to come.  Thank you for having faith in me and for helping me see what I'm capable of. I've “come forth to learn” and now it’s time for me to leave and “go forth to serve”. You'll always have a special place in my heart.

See you around,

Ariel

PS Thanks for introducing me to Salt Lake; he’s so established and spiritual, but fun, too! The three of us should hang out sometime. ;)

Challenge Accepted

So, there’s a Sunday school teacher in my ward that makes a habit of closing each lesson with a challenge to help us apply the week’s lesson into our daily lives, causing what we discuss and learn to truly be incorporated into everyday life. Now, the challenges aren’t exactly typical, nor are they of his own inventions. No, he prays to know how to present the lesson to us and what to challenge us to do as well as what blessings we can expect from following through on said challenges.

For example, one week’s was to ask someone we liked in our congregation on a date that week, promising us that if we were to do so, we would experience a change of heart the way we needed it and that as a consequence to fulfilling our side of the bargain, an eternal companion would be led into our lives. I did my part and I am still very much single, but I did indeed have a mighty change of heart (Alma 5) in a way that only God could’ve worked in me. As a result, I am much happier with where I am in life and I can see that this time as a young, single adult is a gift from God to help me grow in ways I couldn’t have had I already married or had I not lived in the singles complexes I’ve lived in.

Another challenge was to smile at every person I make eye contact with, regardless of your relationship as friends, enemies, or strangers. It made me think of the Berenstain Bears story where the little girl and her brother are nice to each other to spite their mother, or the game, Quelf, in which one of the curses is to say, “I have you now!” every time you make eye contact. I haven’t been so good at doing that consistently, but it was fun when I did.

But I stray from the topic at hand. This last week’s challenge (from yesterday’s lesson) was to read the entire Book of Mormon in 2 weeks. 40 pages a day. Honestly, my first reaction when I found out was, “I’m busy; I have my thesis to work on.” Which is true. I just started working on it again in earnest. I also just had this urge to resist. And what is the promise, might I ask? That is between me and God, apparently. Hmm. And then my friend informing me of the challenge added a clincher: The teacher issuing the challenge will take everyone who accomplishes the goal out to eat. Okay, I’m a sucker for free food and I'm often not one to pass up a reasonable challenge. Plus, it has been a year since I read the Book of Mormon cover to cover; I need to refresh my knowledge so I can more intelligently discuss the book’s principles with friends who may ask. Besides, I've been slacking off in truly taking time to study and ponder the scriptures rather than simply read a few verses regularly.  I could probably use the spiritual boost in my life--who doesn't! (Who knows; it just may be what brings other blessings about!) And if I get physical nourishment as reward for spiritual work and growth, all the better.

Last week I saw the YouTube video "Pais Mes Brebis (Feed My Sheep)," and although it is in French, the English subtitles and the general spirit of the vid share the power of the word of God (whether it be the Bible,   the Book of Mormon, or other scripture) in our everyday lives to change us. In the long run, if I am to "feed [his] sheep," why not start with myself, one among the sheep also seeking guidance from the Shepherd. Only after nourishing myself and knowing of its reality and goodness can I be a powerful guide and influence in helping others find their path to God.

So, Brother Sunday School Teacher, there are sheep to be fed, starting with me. You’re on. Challenge accepted. 

Imagine...

A warm house with soft lighting and comfortably worn-in chairs.  Hot, delicious home-cooked soup and cold, fresh vegetables.   A low murmur of conversation and bubbly laughter of friends and toddlers, forgetting the cares of everyday life in the simple pleasure of being together.  The truest image of a picturesque moment, the kind you relish and wish to live in forever.  If only I’d had a camera…

Sometimes they come as I sit and watch a young couple play with their young child or a young man offers his seat to an elderly woman.  Sometimes the time-resistant picturesque moments come as I walk to campus and ponder on the wonderful blessings I’ve been given.  Sometimes they come as I sit in my office and talk about linguistics, teaching, Spanish, or any combination thereof with my colleagues.  Sometimes they come as I teach and bask in the delight I see in my students’ eyes when they finally understand and can’t help but blurt out, “I love Spanish!”  Sometimes they come as I sit in the temple praying, at my desk reading the scriptures, or singing hymns with fellow Christians.  Sometimes they come when I’m with my friends and stop paying attention to what’s going on to admire their beauty and goodness.  And sometimes they come when I’m with my parents, siblings, and cousins reminiscing on the past, celebrating special occasions, or simply spending time with them.  More and more lately, I feel pressure to hurry to finish, to make plans, to get my future plans in order.  But almost just as much, I suddenly feel the pure joy of being in the right place and marveling at God’s goodness.  Regardless of when they come, I love those moments and can’t help but smile and think, “How can life get any better than this?!” 

I was talking to a friend about such moments tonight, and he mentioned the ending of a movie where the hero encourages a comedian to tell some jokes on a train to brighten the passengers’ lives before they die, and the filming slows as it pans the individuals laughing, being united in the simple, pure joy of being together in their last moments.  The way he described it, I could picture it and it evoked memories of Christmases and birthdays filled with joy.  Or even that last scene in The Giver when Jonas sees a family celebrating Christmas and singing carols together.  I realized that it’s not the complexity or cost of the activities themselves that make time seem to slow, but the simplicity thereof and the joy brought thereby into the lives of those participating.  In those moments, heaven seems closer and rather than distorting time and momentarily forgotten moments of “real” life, priorities regarding what’s of most worth come into view and sharpen.  Life is filled with little moments. If we miss those, we miss the essence of living!  Life isn’t about accomplishing great feats—it’s about acknowledging the grandeur of ourselves and each other as God’s creations, creating and strengthening great relationships with those wonderful people placed in our lives, and striving to become more Christlike and godly.  How?  Worry less about the future and make the most of each day, each time-stopping moment granted us by God.  And maybe, just maybe, you should keep a camera on hand.  Who knows but when a picturesque moment will present itself?

Words of Encouragement and Advice

So, I recently got a new phone and I finally went through my old saved texts yesterday--you know, ones I liked and never looked at but could never part with.  Well, the timing was perfect, because Heavenly Father knew I needed to read them once and for all to remind me just how much love I received, even in something as simple as a text.  Among all the little, "You're sweet" and "You're the best!" from friends and family I found some sweet,  moving words of comfort and encouragement from one of the wisest people I knew who was acting on promptings as she kept her daughter in her prayers.  I thought I'd share--you know, just in case you need a bit of encouragement like I often do.

• I love you! 
• God bless you! 
• You are a helper in our Heavenly Fathers kingdom and will be a great mother in Zion.  I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE!
• You’re the best! 
• Heavenly Father knows what he is doing.  As for me he is being kind because I am not yet ready to let you go.  This is mom by the way.  I lost my phone.  I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED AT THE RIGHT TIME.  PATIENCE IS A GODLY ATTRIBUTE HE DESIRES US TO ACQUIRE.  IT IS PAINFUL AT TIMES BUT WILL BE WORTH IT.  YOU ARE OF GREAT WORTH!
• Just remember many men have loved you.  You are waiting for the one that your heart will recognize and say “THERE YOU ARE!”  You will be blessed :)  Your ancestor-Your future posterity and your family here on earth are all praying for your success in finding that special companion. 
• I love you!  YOU are a blessing to all that come in contact with you.  
• We love you very much and will be praying for you.  
• You are never stuck we are ever moving forward.  Our bodies are always under going change.  Two years ago I could not lift a glass yesterday I had strength enough to mow the front lawn.  Last year I was on chemo now I am not. 
• Get some rest it helps with coping and dealing with individual challenges.  We love you very much. 
• We are all a work in progress.  A marvelous work and a wonder :)
• Three simple things we all need to remember:) to love God- to love yourself- to properly love others :-) 

And if that isn't enough, well, think of the forget-me-nots.  

Un dia triste para mi...

So, last Saturday, I was going about my own business, innocently shopping for food to subsist upon for the start of the school year.  My first mistake was thinking about what a good driver I am and how simple my life has been lately.  The second mistake was to trust the oncoming car's right blinker that was supposed to turn into where I was so I could take a left onto the busy road.  Not so.  And the oncoming driver, ignorant of his blinking light and why I was pulling out, supposed I would move out of the way in time.  My car was too slow.  He braked at the last moment and swerved what he could, probably saving my life.  Thankfully, the damage done was only emotionally to me and the physical blow was suffered by my dear '97 Geo and the other guy's '11 Toyota. I'm guessing his car'll be taken care of.  Mine will, too, but I'm not sure exactly how just yet.  According to Maaco, mine's totaled.  :(

It's still surreal that the accident happened.  That it happened to me.  That I may be carless, just after having updated the tabs, replaced the brakes, fixed  the CV axle, and gotten a new paint job and transmission just a year ago.  That I almost avoided it.  That I almost died.  

I saw the other guy on campus today, and I'm pretty sure he recognized me; he looked down as we walked past each other.

All I can say is that I don't know what the future holds for me and my car, but I do know thatI am blessed with wonderful family members to comfort me and calm me and hug me, and that Heavenly Father must really want me to be here--he's saved me from two car accidents, preserved my life in Europe, and protected me against many other, unknown dangers!

Tengan cuidado mientras manejan!

"A Little Fall of Rain"

And thus it has ended, at least for this year.  As of today, I have begun my training workshop so I can begin teaching Spanish this upcoming school year, and next week I begin my own classes as well.  All in all, it promises to be a busy but rewarding school year.  Ha, I even have a few former students scrambling to figure out how they can be together and in my class yet again!  That warms my heart.

However, I am not here to write about my dear former students or my new schedule this Fall.  Rather, I am here because I realized it's been awhile and it just so happens that I've thought a lot about life this summer.  Perhaps one particular catalyst for this post is one of my new colleagues, whom I met this morning.  I don't know much about him--only enough to relate with him when he told me he hadn't even planned to do an MA a year ago, because I was in much the same position just before I graduated with my BS.  Had you asked me just over a year before graduating if I expected to be a flourishing grad student in Hispanic Linguistics, I would have told you I was too scared.  Shoot, sometimes it still scares me!  And if you'd asked me when I was a graduating senior in high school what I planned to study, Spanish was a mere hobby, not even on my list of potential foci for a BS/BA.  Not to mention that I would've looked at you with a gaze of sheer shock, eyes bugging out of my head in unbelief had you told me then where I'd be today.  Some of the shock has worn off (both for me, my colleagues, and my professors, to be sure!), but there are still times, I think to myself, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  HOW DID YOU GET HERE?!"  But believe me that those are moments of awe and wonder, marveling in the wisdom of God's timing and his ways.  Why?  Because despite so many odds, I am where I am and I am here for a reason.

In elementary, my teachers thought that advancing me would make me "average."  Boy, were they wrong.  Besides, as a friend pointed out most of the population is technically "average," so how is that so bad?

In high school, I dared follow my siblings' steps by participating in Running Start, aka concurrent enrollment, allowing me to complete high school requirements by working on my AAS.

In my undergrad, my dad and best friend in particular encouraged me to continue studying Spanish and my mom supported me in my desires to study Home and Family Living and prepare to marry and raise a family of my own one day.  In the process, I followed divine guidance by living in the Foreign Language Residence rather than participate in studies or internships abroad.  By the end, another friend's nudge helped propel me towards ultimately deciding to go for an MA.

Thanks to the good faith of the Spanish linguistic professors here, I was accepted into the program.  Once again following divine guidance, I sought out counsel as to how to fund a trip to Europe.  Enter the FLAS program and all the plans and spontaneities that came to fruition this summer.

I may not be a returned missionary (RM) who served Spanish-speaking, I may not be the most mature or the most experienced, I may not have the best, most fluid Spanish, and I certainly don't have the most concrete plans for the future, but as I said before, I am where I am for a reason.  And as unique as I am, I am not by far the only one whose life heavenly Father has a hand in.  We all make plans, begin to follow them, and accomplish some, totally own others, and are dumbfounded by yet others.  But there always is a way, despite all the turns.  For me, those were not getting married in my 5-year plan, becoming the most inexperienced grad student in Spanish, and learning French in Paris.  And as frustrating as it is for plans to go cattywampus, who's to say they are blessings in disguise?  For me, the extra time being single allowed me to wander Europe freely, the Spanish MA gave me a job and credentials to receive the FLAS grant and have spending money, and Paris gave me the chance to explore Europe.  Oh, I know that not everything is as colossal as it has somehow turned out to be for me; in the case of a former student a car accident and subsequent surgery turned out to be blessings in disguise because the leftover settlement funds are now paying her tuition.  In Les Misérables, the tragedy of Eponine's death turned out to free Marius to marry Cosette, his love.  For others, the hidden blessing comes from married while going to school, realizing that money is tight, but still being generous and suddenly receiving food and gas as thanks in return; getting a hard, last-minute one-semester teaching job that earns you enough money to continue on with your own education; taking extra time and falling "behind" because your big project isn't coming along like the others', only to realize that at least by delaying graduation you are still eligible for insurance; not being able to have children, but actively participating in the community, thereby being able to work closely with others' children and becoming a second mother to many; feeling heartbreak when a relationship (of any kind) doesn't work out, but really it was so you could find someone better or appreciate better what you had and joy in the day it really all does come together (because IT WILL); having to move back home after earning a BS, but finding that you know you are closer as a family as a result; working custodial day after dreary day, finally to one day have someone thank you and it makes your day; or experiencing weakness upon weakness, to see one day how it has made you more Christlike and empathetic towards others who suffer.  In every case, the situation isn't exactly ideal, but the experience builds strength and shows us what we can endure and what truly matters in life.  Coming back to the Les Mis example, Eponine was right when she says the rain doesn't hurt, but that it makes the flowers grow.

So, for every up and down recorded here on my little blog from this summer with its gamut of experiences, there is surely a million other disappointments and joys and blessings in disguise, rains and meadows of blooming, fragrant flowers that you, my friends, are expert in and could tell me about.  And I'd love to be your listening ear.  It's the least I can do, really, as thanks for doing the same for me!  Remember that you are not alone and that Heavenly Father is working hard in your life and that he loves you!  As the songs says, "That's all you [and I] need to know."

How to Answer?

Picture this: You come back from a trip long enough that friends and family missed you, and everyone asks how it went, seemingly excited and somewhat jealous of the wonderful trip they imagine you've had. They suppose that the normal life you have "resigned" yourself to coming back to is boring and mundane, anxious to hear your larger-than-life version of the world beyond their own.  Everyone asks how you are doing, what you thought, and you do your best to sum up the recent past in a few words, unsure which of all your thoughts and experiences to share.  You begin by describing it as great/crazy/totally worthwhile, or something to that effect, and then either the conversation ends soon thereafter because you don't know where to begin and they don't have time anyway; or their eyes begin to glaze over and they get all shifty as you excitedly begin to answer and continue answering a question they asked, and your excitement fizzles out as you get the feeling they didn't really want that much of an answer; or they are just as excited as you and the conversation goes on, with questions and story-answers flying back and forth, perhaps indefinitely, or at least until you have to drag yourself back to real life and remember time constraints, possibly to continue the catching up soon.

Have you ever had that happen to you?  The trip?  The questions?  The answers?

I know that I frequently give long-winded answers and give people more information than they bargained for, but I'm feeling quite torn and, frankly, disappointed.  I know my colleagues, friends, and family are excited to have me back, but I don't want to give everyone the same one-word sum-up of the past three months of my life, and I do want to share what I've learned and done with them.  I don't want to completely take up the limelight, though, ending up feeling like a braggart of sorts.  So you can see that I have a bit of a dilemma as to how much answer to offer, and if doesn't make me feel any better when people ask questions and I get on a roll as I answer them, only to realize that they are ready to cut the conversation short and escape, as though to put a pause on it, or maybe even to hit the "Ctrl+Alt+Delete" button.  Lucky me, such a button doesn't exist outside of technology in social situations.

 

Okay, so I'm exaggerating, but I do feel a bit at a loss as to how much to say.  Thankfully, closer friends do seem much more interested and don't seem to mind me as much.  Maybe 'cause they know already how much I talk and they expect it.  ;)

I do try to share the conversation in my effort to not hog the conversation or steal the spotlight...

So, how was Europe?

It was crazy.  It had its ups and downs, and I learned a lot.  It was totally worth it, but I am glad to be home in the States.  If you want pics or to hear about what I did, most of it's on my blog.  If you have questions, ask.  It's great to see you again!

How was your summer?

***

Boy, I will be so glad to move into my place for this Fall and finally stop living out of a suitcase and have a ward with Home Teachers and Visiting Teachers to call my own.  In the meantime, it's been wonderful to spend so much time with my bro and new sis-in-law, work on a phonology project with my MA colleagues and professors, and catch up with so many close friends.