#WhyImSingle

Two recent major pieces of news in particular have revealed divine purpose in my being where God wants me to be:

1. A new friend I met and have shared the gospel with has decided to be baptized (on my birthday!!!).
2. My brother and his wife have had a baby (awesome!) and found out that he has a serious congenital heart defect (not-so-awesome).

My role in #1 and the importance of my having moved is somewhat obvious. If I hadn't moved, I wouldn't have made the new friend and I wouldn't have been able to share the gospel with her.

My role in #2 is less obvious, but still simple. Where I live if halfway between the hospital caring for my new nephew and where my brother lives with his family. My convenient location provided me the opportunity to serve my brother, his wife, and his mother-in-law by opening my home to them as a way station from the hospital and babysitting their toddler so they could focus on their newborn.

I often wonder aloud or to myself how I've come to be where I am today. More recently, the wondering wanders to why I felt I should move; after all, my life still mostly consists of work A, work B, church activities, friends, and family (not in that order). Almost as soon as I ask myself why did I move? I think of the benefits I now enjoy as a result: less time commuting; easier access to family & friends in multiple towns, the temple, and work; new friendships; more independence. My musing of how and why also tend to be answered through life's twists and turns. Maybe this is #WhyImSingle !

If I'd had my way, I would be a married stay-at-home mom with a few kiddos of my own by now, and maybe a concert flautist or world-renowned author. Then again, if I'd had my way, I would have also missed out on some of the best experiences of my life, would have missed out on meeting my new friend and sharing the gospel with her, and would have had a harder time being available to serve my brother and his family. I would not have an MA in Spanish, nor would I be influencing young minds through teaching. In short, my life would be drastically different than it is.

My birthday is coming up and I'm excited. However, as I hear of friends' birthday plans, such as staying in a 5-star hotel or traveling to Sweden, I think, "Wow, maybe I should do something more exciting..." But wait--my birthday is going to be one of the best because on the anniversary of my physical birth, a friend of mine will be reborn spiritually and there's almost nothing better than that!

What's more, some of my friends and family have reminded me of small moments I've shared with them and I'm reminded yet again that who I am is not found in the rare big trips or luxury experiences (as great as those are), but in the everyday interactions I have with those around me. When I'm old and gray, those who know me will think first of what I said to or did for them. So far, what they have to say is pretty positive, so I must be doing something right with my life.

I'm so grateful for the heartfelt conversations that allow my fellow brothers and sisters on earth and me to get to know each other as well as share in struggles and learn together. I'm so grateful for my family and the support we bring to one another. The family is truly "ordained of God" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). He has a plan for me. He has a plan for you. Maybe you're single like me, married like my friends, and/or raising children. No matter the situation, know that God knows why you're single, why you're married, why you have your children, why you are where you are. He knows. And His plan is glorious!

Trusting the Master Gardener

See that plant there? It's mine. :)

See that leaf shooting out of the top? It's a symbol of life and growth in times of drought.

Drought? Yes. I hadn't watered the plant the entire time I was gone for Christmas break, for 2.5 weeks.

Honestly, I was shocked that, rather than wither away and die, it grew--in fact, it flourished! (See photo for proof.)

One of my first thoughts was, "I have to blog about this; it has so much relevance to life!" Another thought was that my plant was overdue for more water, so I gave it plenty; it had waited long enough. And guess what happened to it in the next few days? To my dismay, it became sick. The usually healthy leaves turned brown towards the ends and one entire leaf withered up!

I knew yet again that I needed to blog about my little plant. In a very real way, in doing so I'm blogging about myself and each one of us.

God is the Master Gardener: He knows each of his plants (us), He's planted each one in a specific place, and He knows how much sunlight (inspiration) and water (spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental nourishment) each of His plants needs in order to not only survive, but thrive. He is ever aware of His garden's well-being. This means that if a plant needs more water, He'll give it more. more sunlight? Done. The opposite is true, too; the plants that do better in dry or indirectly lit areas will receive less water or sunlight. If too much water is given to a desert plant like mine, for example, it can actually hurt the plant more than help it.

What I'm saying doesn't mean that He favors one plant over another. Instead, it means that He takes perfect care of each one in a specific, purposeful, and careful way. 

The day I came back to work and saw my plant after Christmas break was just after I'd moved. I felt lonely, frustrated, stressed, and worried about being forgotten. I knew God loved me and that I still had my family and at least some friends. I knew Heavenly Father was aware of my needs and that I'd moved for a reason. But I wondered if God would keep His promises in the way I interpreted them. I mean, He is perfect, but I'm not and I very well may have been misinterpreting what He was telling me through prayers, scriptures, feelings, the Spirit, and others' words. In a small but profound way, seeing that my plant was thriving on the water I'd given it a couple weeks beforehand was a message from the Gardener to me: This is a time of growth for you. You'll flourish. I'm paying attention. And you know what? A cup with water was right next to the plant the whole time, ready for the next watering.

So, the next time you feel stuck and feel like God isn't hearing your pleas for more, think of my plant. More importantly, think of the Gardener's message to YOU: This is a time of growth for you. You'll flourish. I'm paying attention.

Joshua 1:9 "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

Follow-up: Test Worries (or the Lack Thereof)

I rocked it. I wasn't perfect, but I did my best and I felt like my abilities were at their peak, thanks to divine help. Family and friends prayed for me, which is touching to know in its own right, and it helps, too, that I know I'm where God wants me to be in my life. (Aside: If it were up to me, I'd hurry up and change a few things, but there's a reason why the Man Upstairs is in charge.)

So how did I do?

• OPI: Advanced-mid That is to say, my speaking ability in Spanish is advanced--not the Superior or Advanced-high I was hoping for, but it's still an improvement over last time. I think what prevented me from reaching higher levels was a lack of organized arguments in a discussion/presentation of ideas, but that's not exactly how I speak even in English. I'm better with writing when it comes to that. At any rate, I surpassed the Advanced-low state requirement.
• PRAXIS: Passed! On a scale of 100-200, I got 189, and Utah only requires 168 to be able to teach. Again, my presentational speaking was weaker, but I aced the written portion.

Okay, despite all my seeming confidence and apparent nonchalant attitude conveyed in my last post, I did get nervous, just not as nervous as I would have been without having prepared a decade for this. I learned from my scores that I'm not perfect, but I would've been lying to myself to say otherwise. Like I tell my students and am trying to put to words, perfection isn't everything. My students won't learn how to conjugate all verbs overnight, but they can master a few -ar, -ir, -er verbs for now. However, mastery≠perfection.

Hear me out! I say "mastery" and "perfection" are not necessarily synonymous with one another for a reason. See, "mastery" could mean over a concept, a small portion of a greater whole. Now, "perfection" means "wholeness, completeness." I teach, hoping that my students will master present tense verbs in Spanish, but by no means should I expect them to speak perfect Spanish by the end of the unit, or even the end of the year. 

Moral of the story: The same mastery≠perfection concept applies to you and me; we're here to learn and grow, and our trials, our joys, and even the mundane everyday moments of our lives help us to master skills we acquire, whether by necessity or choice. For example, I've mastered Spanish well enough that the state will allow me to continue teaching. I see that I still have room for improvement, but I was blessed to do well enough and I'm sure God will continue to help me improve. By the end of my life and yours, odds are we'll be pros in many ways, having mastered a number of skills, but we won't be perfect human beings. That's what eternity's for. That's what the atonement is for. Christ makes up the difference, as long as we do our best and let Him help us along.

We don't have to be perfect. What matters most is our willingness to try, to do our best. :)

Here's to 2015! Let's make it one of mastery moments. 

God bless you, my friends.

“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?” ~L. M. Mongomery, Anne of Green Gables

Test Worries (or the Lack Thereof)

...I'm not all that worried, really.

See, I am taking two tests tomorrow to show I'm making progress in earning my Spanish teaching license. To many people, one alone would be worthy of stress; I'm taking two. The cost alone is daunting and would motivate a person to make paying for it worthwhile by doing well. Combined with that is the fact that I need to do well (whatever that means exactly) in order to get my licensure, or else I'll have to retake them and pay all over again.

How, then, am I not terribly worried? The first is the Spanish PRAXIS. I've heard it's not all that bad and besides, I have an MA in Hispanic Linguistics. If a decade of learning, using, and teaching Spanish hasn't taught me what I need to know to succeed, I don't know what will.

The second test is the ACTFL oral proficiency interview (OPI). I passed it once already and have to retake it simply because it's been too long for it to count for my license--and I took it before my MA. Again, if a decade of learning, using, and teaching Spanish hasn't taught me what I need to know to succeed, I don't know what will.

In school, we learn that procrastinating and cramming can suffice for getting grades on written tests for semester-long courses. However, learning a language teaches you that when the day of the oral test comes, it all comes down to whether or not you've already put in the practice time consistently for quite some time in advance. I'm so used to the school mentality that I think perhaps I should cram, but I realize that at this point, I either know it or I don't.

PRAXIS, OPI: Bring it on.

I guess life is like taking these big tests: We live, making choices on a daily basis. If something really matters, we'll make time for it. When the tests and trials come, a decision made the day before won't be nearly as helpful as one made and lived by weeks, months, or even years since. Obviously, I wouldn't be prepared for tomorrows' test if I just started studying this school year; the hard times have been specially designed to make me stronger for the bigger tests to come, just like all the small oral and written exams have prepared me for big tests such as those I face tomorrow. Because I've put in the practice regularly over years and years (and even have a degree to prove it now!), I feel at peace.

It helps that I know I've prepared and God has helped prepare me. I know I'm where He wants me to be and He will help me to be successful. You, too, have prepared for this life and God knows exactly what He has in mind for you. Yes, temporary failures come, but everything happens for a reason to get you to where He thinks is best for you. Personally, I'm inclined to believe that an omniscient being's plan ought to be trustworthy and reliable. Tests will come, and if we follow God's counsels in the simple choices we make on a regular basis, we have nothing to fear!

Everyday Courage

Recently, a friend wrote me a letter, saying that I'm powerful. At that moment (and in many others), I felt pretty far away from powerful. I trust my friend and know she tells the truth, and yet I questioned her words. Me, powerful? But...how???

In another situation recently, I received a Priesthood blessing in which God blessed me with courage to endure. Reflecting back on it later that week, I again questioned, Me? Courageous?

Do YOU consider yourself courageous?

I soon turned to the wisdom of my Facebook community, asking my friends how they define courage. Below are their responses.

Do you see it? Can you tell who has courage?

• The father who takes the passenger seat so his teen can learn to drive.
• The mother who manages a household and children while her husband is away for long periods of time.
• The son who watches the horrors of 9/11 and two weeks later leaves home for a mission in a country filled with terrorists because he knows it's where God wants him to be and he has faith he will be protected.
• The daughter who gets married and moves to another state with her new husband.
• The son who, though still in college, chooses to get married and begin a family. He works and goes to school to provide for his family, struggling to make ends meet, but has faith it will all work out.
• The daughter who travels to a foreign country by herself. (And her parents, for letting her go!)
• The daughter who leaves friends at college behind because she feels like she is needed at home.

Are you getting the picture yet? If not, I'll give a few more examples.

• The man who musters the guts to ask a girl out.
• The girl who musters the guts to ask a guy out.
• The person who stands up for him/herself, regardless of what others might think or say.
• The friend who announces he's gay but still chooses to stay true to the morals and standards he believes in.
• The young couple who falls in love and saves sex for marriage
• The young adult who believes in and supports traditional marriage, whether he/she is married already or is waiting a special someone still.
• The couple that chooses to raise children in today's world.
• The couple that fights day after day, hoping to one day be blessed with a child of their own.
• The woman who takes the chemo medication weekly, week after week, month after month, because she hopes it will help her body beat the disease within.
• The young man who loses his health to cancer and a stroke, but chooses to find purpose in his trials and strengthens those around him with encouraging words.
• The overweight kid who says no to that piece of pizza.
• The addict who relapses and still fights to be drug-free.
• The recovering porn addict who turns to a spouse for support so they can build a stronger relationship and manage the struggle together.
• The foreigner who seeks to gain a grasp of a new country's language and risks sounding stupid in an effort to learn the language.
• The missionary in an area close to violence and yet continues to work on in faith.
• The young adult who stays home from a religious mission, serving as a missionary in his or her own right.
• The teen who waits to date until he/she is 16.
• The teen who is an example of modesty and clean language, no matter what their peers are doing.
• The individual who doesn't give up, no matter how fruitless his/her labors seem right now because they will eventually pay off.

Who has courage? Who are the brave ones? Let me tell you, courage isn't reserved for superheroes in the movies or soldiers, firefighters, and policemen. Courage is in each of us. Let me rephrase that:

WE ARE COURAGEOUS.

The first set of examples are from my own family. In addition to the examples listed by my friends in the image above, the second set represents everyday people I know and the struggles I've seen them confront and that I've confronted, too.

What do we learn from these words of wisdom in the above images? Fear is a common factor. Goodness knows, I have my fair share of fears, but I've learned the truth behind these words. I find myself often faced with something that scares me, but it usually comes down to telling myself, Stop thinking about what could happen and just do it. I force myself to stop thinking of the "What if" scenarios and act. We think so much about what could go wrong--what about what could go right?

Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

Are YOU strong? Rather, are you moving forward, despite fear? Do you have faith God has a plan for you and is helping you along the way? Are you getting back up after you fall? Are you doing hard things? Are you doing your best (not someone else's best but your own)? Are you trying in your own (albeit small) way to make the world a better place?

If you've answered, "Yes," to any the questions in the last paragraph, then yes, YOU ARE COURAGEOUS. I don't need superheroes; I have courageous friends like you. You are my everyday heroes. What's even better? We've got God on our side, helping us move forward. WE ARE POWERFUL.

What You Need

She hurried out of the meeting, down the elevator, and out the doors into the bright sunshine of a warm October evening. She had to get home. She needed to cry, but outside was too public. She wanted to get home as quickly as possible, and while her car was temporarily out of commission that meant she should make it to the TRAX station pronto to then catch a train home. It would take an hour, maybe more.

Try as she might, the tears sprang to her eyes, streamed down her cheek, and caught in her throat as the thoughts swirled. This was the umpteenth time she cried in a matter of days and she felt weak for it. How much money did she have saved? She'd checked earlier that day. How much would the car cost? And now, she had to retake an oral proficiency test because it had expired? Then, too, there was the PRAXIS to think about for her subject area, not to mention the courses that would be required. At least her lack of finding housing closer to work meant some money saved there... But what of savings? So much for that ever elusive future wedding, money for a new apartment and furniture,  and savings in general to fall back on.

She thought of her sister, who at that moment was likely in greater pain, laboring through childbirth and felt a mixture of sympathy for the sister and a twinge of regret for her own dreams yet unrealized.
She'd pictured college graduation, marriage, and children by now. Reality was college graduation, more college and another graduation, work, and now a new teaching job. She'd hit the ground running and now she felt herself faltering, which made her even more frustrated.

In her heart of heart, she cried out, hoping heaven would hear, "This isn't what I wanted! This isn't what I wanted!"

Heaven did hear, and answered, "But it's what you needed. It's what you need."

This was the same answer she'd received when she'd asked why her siblings had the dream she'd yearned for and she was the one denied it. Why? Because it was what they needed and her path was the one of experiences she needed. Needed for what? To grow. To progress. Her time would come.

The tears lingered, but her rapid heartbeat and breathing slowed as she reached the TRAX station. She'd arrived with minutes to spare, even. Her problems weren't gone; far from it. But she was on her way home and she knew she'd make it. Exactly how was uncertain, but she was certain she was where she needed to be and for the moment, that was enough.

3 Ne. 13:30-34
30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith.
 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
 32 For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.
 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. 

Humor in the Scriptures

On Monday, I was discouraged. My friend (the very same who said I should have a blog) recommended I take a break from work to stop at the Salt Lake Temple, which is on the same block as my FamilySearch job. I had considered it myself already and agreed that it would help me, whether to find comfort or inspiration.

A half hour was all I needed, as it turns out. Sitting quietly by myself, I said a prayer, at first filled with the turmoil of my thoughts as I thought of all my worries, concerns, and uncertainties. Somehow, as one thought confusedly spilled over another, the raging flood slowed into a calm stream and my thoughts shifted from me to those I care about. My pregnant younger sister, my aunt and injured uncle, my friend struggling against Lyme disease... I prayed for them and in doing so found peace.

I also picked up some scriptures. If I'm not picking up where I left off, I often flip open to a page at random to see what piece of revelation awaits me. The later was the case this time and the book I held fell open to Alma 26.

"23 Now do ye remember, my brethren, that we said unto our brethren in the land of Zarahemla, we go up to the land of Nephi, to preach unto our brethren, the Lamanites, and they laughed us to scorn?
24 For they said unto us: Do ye suppose that ye can bring the Lamanites to the knowledge of the truth? Do ye suppose that ye can convince the Lamanites of the incorrectness of the traditions of their fathers, as stiffnecked a people as they are; whose hearts delight in the shedding of blood; whose days have been spent in the grossest iniquity; whose ways have been the ways of a transgressor from the beginning? Now my brethren, ye remember that this was their language."

I smirked; my modern-day Lamanites are my middle-schoolers. My friends and family certainly aren't laughing me to scorn, but there seems to be a general sentiment that those kids are crazy and just very well may eat me alive!  Really, I've seen how poorly kids who learn Spanish in secondary schools speak Spanish when they reach the university. Why should I even hope to teach my kids much? How much are they going to retain?

Go ahead. Reread the passage, replacing "Lamanites" with "middle school students."

See what I mean? Yes, God MUST have a sense of humor to show me a passage like the one above to cheer me up! It also shows that He knows my sense of humor, too.

I read on, wondering what gem would reveal itself. I wasn't disappointed.

"26 But behold, my beloved brethren, we came into the wilderness not with the intent to destroy our brethren, but with the intent that perhaps we might save some few of their souls.
27 Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold, the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites, and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success.
28 And now behold, we have come, and been forth amongst them; and we have been patient in our sufferings, and we have suffered every privation; yea, we have traveled from house to house, relying upon the mercies of the world—not upon the mercies of the world alone but upon the mercies of God."

Like the Lord comforted them, at that moment, through their words and wisdom from their trials, He comforted me. I can succeed and with Him, I will. I don't know how I'll get to school to teach for the next couple of weeks, but I don't need to know the end from the beginning. And every day I have seen God's mercies for me through others' kindness and service. Yes, He has a sense of humor, and He uses it to bless His children in every stage of life.